Me or not me? | hewhopleasures's Blog

The voice in my gut tells me many amazing things.  It tells me whether someone is yelling at me because they are in pain or simply because they're an asshole.  It tells me when I'm safe and when to pay more attention to my surroundings.

My ego thinks this voice is me.  My superior intelligence, my deductive reasoning, my life experience.  Yet there are many times the voice tells me or shows me things I have know way of knowing.  Sometimes when this happens the voice is so loud I cannot question it's veracity, I simply act on what it tells me.

Most of the time, though, the voice is soft and fleeting.  Exactly the same as the thoughts that fly through my brain thousands (or millions) of times every day.  As I get more in tune with my "authentic" self, my Shaman self, my Buddhist self - whatever label works for you, cuz I really don't know what any of that means - the voice is more prevalent.  I seem to understand things even better now.  I feel closer to living beings such as trees, plants and bugs.

But still I can't always here the voice.  Or I think I hear it but I can't tell if it's my ego voice - the voice of reason, education, experience, logic - or this "inner" voice, the Universe, my Guide(s?).  This holds true whether I have a life-changing question or a mundane task. 

There have been times at the poker table I should have folded but I KNEW my card would come at the River and it did.  But there have also been times when I KNEW it would come and it didn't.  So... is the voice fucking with me?  Am I misunderstanding it?  The voice tells me to trust it, and then I lose all my money.  Is it trying to teach me a lesson when I'm just trying to win?  Is winning a bad thing in the spiritual world?  How much of these "misunderstandings" are because of my ego and how many because I just haven't learned properly yet?

I try to let go.  There is no spoon.  There is no "me".  How do we balance our physical and spirit selves in this earthly domain?

No need to answer.  It would all just be theory based on your own reality, right?  My reality is mine.  Or rather it just is, since there is no "mine".  It's a tough concept to grasp.  But I believe in magic, and I believe I will learn how to listen to the voices and understand with practice.

I just have to let go of all these questions and just be.

Yikes.