The inner probing continues | hewhopleasures's Blog

I went for a long walk today.  Got a library card and some books on poker.  Then walked to Trader Joe's to get my Green drink (and BOY did my body thank me - we batchelors need to be reminded that boxed mac&cheese doesn't quite cover all the food groups).  Just over 2 miles.  A nice warm SoCal evening, perfect for walking and reflecting.

So after my spew yesterday (and thank you all again for the tremendous support!) I asked myself a more important question:

Why was I in that relationship, and what changed?

In my current spiritual journey I am often reminded that people come in and out of our lives for a reason.  We tend to think marriages will last for ever, and the dissolution is amazingly painful because we try to hold on to this person even after the reason they came into our lives is no longer relevant.

So when I asked myself why I was in the relationship with this particular woman, I thought of something I used to say to her quite often:  "Thank you for letting me love you."

I've been writing poems my whole life.  There is on in particular called So Much Love.  It's not very good as poems go, but the gist of it is that I've got a shitload of love to give and nobody seems to want it.  I offer it up, and people shove it back in my face.  This led to a whole lot of "What's wrong with me" complexes, the answer to which is, of course, "nothing at all".

I'm a fairly powerful force when I'm not wallowing in a depressive state (a state I was in most of my life before a few years ago), and when I love, it is a no-holds-barred-in-your-face-stand-up-to-it-or-run kind of thing.

Well, my wife stood up to it.   For those who read my marriage proposal  and are all oohing and aaahing, here's a flash of pre-HWP chutzpah for you that ain't quite romantic:

We met doing a show in NYC. The first night we were backstage getting ready and I couldn't keep away from her (oooh.... aaaahhhh).  I sat next to her and just stared while she did her hair and makeup.  Picture a very annoying puppy.  We made some small talk but I just kept staring. Close.  Finally she asked why I was doing that and I said: "God, I want to fuck your brains out!"

Hey! Where'd all my ooooh and aaaahs go??  Yup. No lie.  That's what I said to this woman I just met an hour or so before.  Well most women would have slapped me. Some would have walked away in a huff.  I imagine some might have just taken me up on the offer.  But THIS women simply stopped what she was doing, turned to look me in the eye and asked very calmly, "Why would you say that to someone you just met?"

Frankly I was a bit shocked it came out of my mouth also.  I had NEVER spoken to a women like that before in my life.  I was trapped, cornered, deer in the headlights and all I could say was, "Because it's the truth."

She is not a conventionally beautiful woman, but she cut right through me.  No bullshit, no games, no false modesty or propriety.  Just sheer honesty. 

I didn't even realize at that moment, but I had already fallen and fallen hard.  And we were inseparable from that point on.  At the curtain call I would take her hand even though we were not blocked to do the hand holding thing.  I wasn't even aware I was doing it.

Cut to two weeks later and (read the story in I PROPOSED if you haven't already - then you can get back to the ooooohs and aaaaahs.)

What's the point of all this blathering?  She let me love her.  She took the full unbridled force of my love and accepted it.  And seriously, I had NO control over it whatsoever so when I say unbridled, I ain't kidding.  I swept her off her feet in a fucking cyclone.  And she let me. 

And I LOVED loving her.  She was never very demonstrative and I didn't care.  It was the old movie cliche "I can love you enough for both of us."  Don't get me wrong, she loved me.  She still loves me.  With all the force that is in her.  But she can't show it IN THE WAY I NEED IT.  I want to be clear about that, because she did show it.  All the time.  I NEVER doubted her love for me.

So here's where we get to the "What Changed" portion of our program. 

For years it was enough that I could love her.  As I said before, I used to tell her all the time, "Thank you for letting me love you."  Somewhere along the line - about the time we started reading Louise Hay, The Secret, and Abraham-Hicks - I started seeing myself for the strong individual I am.  And I realized that I Deserve More (sorry, babe, it ain't copyrighted, hehehe).

What changed is that eventually I realized I needed someone who could love me with the same unbridled force that I love them.  I know I'm not ready for that kind of love yet. I still have a lot more healing to do, and a lot more exploring of the new me - the REAL me - who wants to share part of that love with so many people, but it's a damn good start.