Just babbling... don't mind me | hewhopleasures's Blog

I'm trying to figure out why my (ex?)wife's happiness is annoying me.  When she calls me she is upbeat.  "Hey... how you doin?"  In the past 3 or 4 years of our marriage she couldn't muster that much enthusiasm around me.  Is she happy?  I doubt it.  But at least she's not wallowing anymore, and for that I am very happy for her.  It does piss me off though, that I had to put up with years of wallowing, years of being all but ignored, and it took my leaving to get her to put some positive energy back in her life. 

As I write this, and feelings start flooding in, I can't help but be hurt that my love - while I was there -  wasn't enough to save her.  In the end, my love did save her.  I loved her enough to leave.  I KNEW she would be better off without me.  How can anyone thrive when they are married to prince charming?  I did everything for her.  I gave her my heart and soul and life.  I sacrificed my self at the alter of our love.  And it smothered her.  I tried to put space between us, because I knew I was smothering too.  I kept telling her we can't keep doing EVERYTHING together.  That as smart as I am, I cannot be her business consultant, partner, husband, best friend, secretary, janitor, computer expert, web designer, guy Friday, etc., etc., etc.   I can't do it all, and it isn't healthy for either of us.  She knew this, but she couldn't let go.  She kept pulling me in.  She tried.  She knew it was wrong, so she tried to give us distance.  But she couldn't.  And I wasn't strong enough to stay there and maintain boundaries.  I had to leave.  (Yeah, the lack of sex was a HUGE deal, but it wasn't the only issue.)

I used to ask her to sometimes just fucking ACT like she was having a good time around me.  She'd get on the phone with a friend and put on her smile and joke and laugh.  I'd tell her I wanted her to be that way with ME sometimes.  Even if it's fake.  Not all the time.  I never wanted a Stepford Wife.  But once or twice a month didn't seem too much to ask.

Now she calls me, and she's all LA LA LA life is good.  I know it's mostly fake.  Mostly. She's actually doing very well without me.  I knew she would.  But my ego hurts.  It hurts big time. 

My friends say I have to let go.  I'm trying.  I really am.  But we had the fairy tale love.  Not the castle and the bullshit.  The love.  The deep, nothing can take us apart love.  Even 14 years in, when it wasn't so great anymore, the love was still dripping off us.  People would see us and think we were newlyweds.

I know I have to let it go.  The love wasn't enough and the rest was poison.  But oh fuck it hurts.  And I have to let it out.  I have to let it hurt or I'll never let it go.  I can't bury it, though fuck knows I want to.  I hate this fucking pain.  I hate that I'm smart enough to know that leaving was the right thing but I still can't stop the pain.  I hate that I've made great friends who love me unconditionally and support me wonderfully and that isn't enough to make the hurt stop.  I really fucking hate it.