It Bent. | hewhopleasures's Blog

My wedding ring got bent pretty badly tonight. It has been on my finger for over 14 years.  I seperated from my wife recently and even though it was my own doing I am freaking out.  I consciously have not taken it off.  I have let go, but I haven't.  I love her so much still, but I know I made the right choice.  I have been pretending to forget about the ring.  I imagine being with some just-for-the-night woman and her questioning me about it.  "Oh my god.  I forgot.  Don't worry, we're seperated."  Then I would cavalierly take it off and hope she didn't think I was some married asshole.  But I guess that's all I am, really. 

What really upsets me, though, is how much it doesn't upset me.  It is the symbolism of it that I am holding on to and not the actual emotion?  I know in my heart that it's over, but it's so hard to let go.  Is this conditioning from the media and religious upbringing?

There is a story behind the ring that I guess bears telling.  (or is it BARES telling?  I'm never quite sure).  We found our rings in a small shop in NYC.  I don't know if they are one-of-a-kind, but I've never seen anything like them.  Yellow gold bands that are scored on the top side, so it looks like they are almost white gold, the way the light hits them.  It always scratched my fingers.

Well... one day I was on a film shoot. My character was definitely no married, so I put the ring in my pocket. This was the only time I had EVER taken it off.  When I got home, the ring was gone.  I went back to the location to look for it, but it was in the middle of the woods and the ring was gone.

We went through hell trying to replace it.  We couldn't find the same ring in any store, so we went to a jewelry wholesale "center" in downtown LA (where we were then living) and found a booth where they said they could recreate the ring from my wife's matching ring.  Well... what the asswipes did, was put my wife's ring in a machine and had the machine "copy" it.  The machine actually melted the edges of the ring and smoothed out the scores that made it look so good.  So they not only fucked up my wife's ring, but then copied the fucked up version of it.  On top of that, they make it EXACTLY like the melted version of her ring.  The male ring is generally much thicker and they gave me this skinny-ass cheap gold (I'm guessing 8K instead of the original 24K) thing that bends all the time.

Whatever, the rings once again matched and since then I have NEVER taken it off.  Not for an acting role, not for the shower, not for anything.  And now it sits on my finger even though my marriage is over.  No, we haven't gotten divorced, and I don't know if we will do that formality or not.

As I am writing this, I feel better.  I no longer feel bad for myself for taking it off.  HOWEVER, I am still friends with my wife.  We still have many practical things that bring us together, and sometimes we have even just "hung out" or gone to the movies together.  I always notice that she still wears her ring.

One of the things I have always complained about my wife is that she doesn't notice things.  I wonder if she would even notice that I'm no longer wearing it?  I wonder if she DID notice, how much it would hurt her. (remember it was MY choice to leave.  she still wants us together).  I have hurt her so much by leaving.  She is doing OK (as I knew she would) and I KNOW I am doing her a disservice by even THINKING this way, but I can't help it.  I don't want to hurt her more.

I guess I really don't need advice on this one.  I guess I just needed to write it out.  I know I can safely take off my ring.  I know it may or may not hurt her when and if she notices, and if it does, she will recover reasonably quickly.  And still... it is the final symbolic act of the end of my marriage.  14 years with a woman I have loved with my soul and still do.

Is it ok if I keep in on a little bit longer?  I think I will.