Short-circuiting the self-destruct | hewhopleasures's Blog

Last night, at my own masochistic request, a couple of friends of mine ganged up on me and reminded me of a two-step process I had long forgotten about.

• Step 1: Taking action without prejudging it
• Step 2: Contemplating the emotional responses of my own emotional REactions after doing Step 1.

The other advice I was given last night was to take these actions toward something outside my comfort zone.

Since the advent of on-line poker, I have fantasized about doing it professionally.  I'm a good player, certainly better than anyone I've played at my dining room table.  Not so much when facing strangers either at the casino or on-line.  With the exception of recurring beginner's luck.

How does beginner's luck recur?, you might ask.  Aren't you only a beginner once?  Well, here's the thing.  I would start playing and do really well.  Almost instantly I would at least double my money.  Then my ego would kick in.  I would start thinking I was better than the rest of these yahoos at my table.  And in no time at all, I would be all-in and left with nothing.

Then I would get discouraged.  I wouldn't play anymore.  Sometimes for weeks or months. Sometimes for years.  After each sabbatical, I would start fresh, like a beginner.  I would go in and kick ass then blow it.

Usually we're talking about winning $40 or $50 to add to my $20 or $40 buy-in, then losing it.  One time, on-line, I won over $800 in two days.  I spent several weeks trying to build on that, and eventual the pattern repeated and I lost it all.  So much for my professional poker career.

That episode was 3 or 4 years ago.  Since my separation, I have wanted to try again.  This time I decided to be smart about it.  I joined a few sites WITHOUT putting any money in.  The plan was to focus on Freeroll tournaments whose prizes were either cash or seats at a real-money table.

Even here, the pattern repeated itself.  My second tournament resulted in a cash prize and I started playing real-money tables (The prize was a whole $2.00 and the real-money table stakes were $.02/$.04 - yes that is 2 and 4 CENTS, thank you)

Again, I did well.  I built my $2 prize up to $8.00.  And then my ego kicked in and I lost it.  No worries, I've learned from my mistakes this time.  I'm older and wiser and smarter.  I'll just win another freeroll tourney and build from there.  Except now, I would continually get into the top 200 or so out of 3500 players, and then self-destruct.  Same pattern: start off strong, convince myself I'm indestructible, then blow it.

Then I thought... hmmmmm.... maybe it's because it's FREE MONEY.  I'm not taking it seriously enough.  If I play with real money, I'll have a real vested interest, I'll take it more seriously, and my greed will kick in instead of my ego.  So I laid down $20.  (Hey, come on, I'm broke... that's a lot of money right now.) 

I played this $20 for weeks.  I'd lose a few bucks and build it back up to $20 or $25.  Lose and build.  Got as low as $4, and still built it back up to $20something.  I couldn't seem to get OVER $25, but at least my playing had improved to the point of not self-destructing and I could always get back to even. 

Then this past week I hit an emotional wall having nothing to do with poker.  All the growth and freedom I've been experiencing since moving out on my own suddenly became overwhelming.  I shut off.  Except for sporadic stints on EP, and personal engagements I couldn't escape from, I stayed in my room and didn't talk to anybody.  And I lost my $20 on-line.

This is why I staged my own intervention last night and allowed my friends to have at me.  They are both very insightful and aren't afraid to kick my ass... hard.  The double-team effort exhausted me, but gave me much to think about.

Frankly, my intention was to put it on the back burner and think about it next week, but I woke up today feeling a lot lighter and braver.  I decided to follow Step 1. 

I took all the judgment out of being a professional poker player.  I ignored what people have told me about how dumb I was to think I could do it. (actually no one used those words, but you know the looks and tones of voice you get when you want to do things others don't understand?  They "warn" you, or shake their head and don't say anything, or ask "are you sure?" and it makes you feel like shit.) So without judgment, I signed up for my Freeroll tournament and played with calm, with a goal, and without ego.  I simply played the game the way I knew would allow me to win it.

And then I misjudged a player and thought he was bluffing when he wasn't, and lost half my stack.  No worries, the new me recognizes the mistake and doesn't get a bruised ego.  I re-doubled my stack in less than five minutes WITHOUT crazy bets and bluffs.  I simply played the fundamentals and got the job done.

And then the switch got thrown.  My ego didn't kick in... I wasn't thinking I was better than anyone.  I respected all the players at my table.  We all had over $20,000 in chips and had passed the first break, so you know these guys are for real, even if it is a fake-money table.  There were less than 200 players left and there was still plenty of game left.  But I started second-guessing my moves.  I check-raised on a hand I knew was easily beatable.  I thought I would scare the guy out, but he re-raised me and I couldn't stop myself from calling.  We both had 2 pair with Aces, but his 10s beat my 3s - as any idiot could have guessed from a mile away.  At this point the blinds were $1000 and I had less than $5000 in chips.  I waited until I actually had something worthwhile to bet on, but with $1000 blinds I only had 2 or 3 more chances at most to double up, and the cards weren't there.  I fell out at #187.

The big difference this time in my reaction is that I didn't beat myself up about it, and I certainly didn't jump right back in to the next tourney.  I sat down and closed my eyes and breathed.  I took a moment to acknowledge the ACTIONS that led to my demise, but then let that go and remembered Step 2.  Contemplate the emotional REactions.

In contemplating I realized that once I was in the top 200, my entire emotional response system changed.  Mr. Calm Fundamentals was gone and I was in a mild state of panic.  Suddenly my entire life flashed before me.  Well, not the entire thing, just the parts where this same thing has happened again and again.  Success is in my grasp and I panic.  I shut down.  I turn off.  I let it slip through my grasp. (too dramatic? sorry...) This has happened in school, at work, at play, in relationships.  I consistently take actions to sabotage my success.

It's not that this is really news to me. I had this revelation before many times. But it is different somehow this time. I'm recognizing it as an emotional reaction and not just the result of something stupid I did.

I'm not sure how to stop it from happening again, but since the first step to solving a problem is identifying it, I think I'm on the right track.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm no longer afraid of my own success, but definitely a little LESS afraid.