You're So Vain | hewhopleasures's Blog

I've always been amazed at how little respect you have for me and my heart.  No matter how much I've shown you I love you, you've never really believed it.  The times when I've had complete emotional breakdowns I have been forced to pull myself together so I could EXPLAIN to you the depths of pain I am in because your initial reaction is always that I am doing something bad to you. All you see is that I am treating you bad, not that I'm fighting for my life. You turned your back on me years ago and I tried and tried and tried to break through your barriers.  I didn't take it personally the way you always took my bad times.  I simply loved you and loved you and loved you.  But again, it was never enough. Every time you ask how I'm feeling, you always make it about you.  The one recent time in the car when you actually just sat and listened, you had to ANNOUNCE how you didn't say anything, once again, making it all about you.

You probably think what I'm saying now is about you.  Well it isn't.  Not that you'll believe me, because you've never trusted me, never believed me.  But again, that never had anything to do with me either.  You simply believe the bullshit your mother and other people have taught you, that you are some kind of monster and not worthy of love.  I gave you 14 consecutive SURPRISE birthday parties.  You wanna know why I was always able to make it a surprise?  Because you never believed I would remember.  Again, not about me...  you simply believe no one will ever think highly of you or love you.

I do love you.  I am in love with you.  You are my heart.  I am completely empty without you. But who cares?  It's still not enough to make you see it and believe it.  You think I left because I don't love you.  You are wrong.  I left because I am lost in your misery to the point that I no longer exist. I am in so much fucking pain from being alone for so many years. 

I left because I need time to heal.  You broke my heart.  Then you broke it again.  And again. And again.  You left me alone years ago, but I tried to be strong for you.  I knew you needed me so I kept trying.  I became the little dog you wanted me to be.  Just lying there. That's all you wanted from me, was to BE THERE.  You no longer wanted to cuddle.  You no longer wanted to hold hands.  You certainly didn't want to kiss or fondle or touch in any way remotely intimate or sexual.  You didn't want to have conversations. You wanted me to sit there like a dog, so I did. 

I sat there as my life energy and my self-esteem slowly trickled away.  But we read these self help books along the way.  Louise Hay, The Secret, Abraham-Hicks.  It opened our eyes to the powers of the Universe that we could tap into. It opened our eyes to the power within each of us.  I opened MY eyes to see that I was more that a dog. More than a teddy bear.  More than a security blanket. 

And I'm sure as you read this, you still think it's about you.  You think I'm accusing you of wrong-doing.  You think I'm blaming you.  I wonder if you will ever understand that I'm not.  Am I angry at you?  Yes.  I'm angry because you don't see that I'm not blaming you.  And because you can't see that, you can't see me.   You have no idea who I am and you have never tried to find out.  As long I was playing whatever role you cast me in, you were happy with me.  But you never saw how unhappy I was.  You never saw my pain.  You talk about love and what it means, but you don't have a clue.  I have spent our lifetime together trying to see your viewpoint, whereas you stand behind your "I can only see life through my own eyes" shield, and use that as your excuse for not ever trying to see through mine.

You speak in absolutes.  There is no room for gray with you. Well, sorry, but I see gray.  I see your side, and her side, and his side, and yes, sometimes even my own side of things.  And while I see that as one of my best characteristics, you only see it as betrayal.  Because you insist on only seeing black and white, you have declared that we will never be together again. Maybe you are right about that.  At this point, I think you probably are.  But again, because you have such little respect for me - based on the fact that you refuse to try to see my viewpoint of things - you have unilaterally made this assertion under the guise of wisdom. 

You claim you were willing to try anything to keep us together, because marriage is oh so important.  But you weren't.  There were always limitations to how far you would go. You won't live in certain areas.  You won't live in certain types of places.  You certainly wouldn't consider living the way I am now.  So let's be clear:  you CHOSE to be alone.  I invited you to come with me and you refused.  Doesn't seem like you were willing to try anything.  So, really, who left whom? 

When I first said I was leaving, the first thing out of your mouth was that you wanted to keep the furniture and the DVDs.  OK, so now we know what part of the marriage was really important to you and just how far you were willing to go to save it.

I wonder if you have the capacity to see that my leaving is the ulitmate sacrifice for keeping our marriage together.  I think not, because you will only ever see things through your eyes.  I have often used the analogy of an airplane emergency in that you have to put on your own oxygen mask and make sure you are safe before trying to save anyone else.  Will you ever see how close I am to dying?  How this move is my oxygen mask?  How I have to save myself if there is ever any chance of saving our marriage?

You may wonder why I've never told you this before. Probably not, but I still have hope, so I'll just tell you. There are two reasons. The first is because it rings false.  It sounds like an attempt to soften the blow, to give hope where there may not be any.  The second reason is that if I told you I was only planning on leaving for six months to a year, one of two things would have happened. You either wouldn't believe it (see reason one) or you WOULD believe it, and instead of learning to live on your own in the present you would be living for the future.

Maybe I just need to rest quietly and regain my strength so I can be the husband you want me to be.  Maybe I'll never recover and just crawl in a hole and die.  Or maybe I just need to spend some time seeing the world through my own eyes, and not everyone elses.  I don't have answers and I'm not even sure it matters, because you probably think this song is about you.  Don't you?

EDIT NOTE:
I did actually send this email to her.  Here is her response:

Thank you for telling me how you feel. I needed and wanted to know that. And you're right its not about me. Please take care of yourself and feel better.