The hurt I feel | hewhopleasures's Blog

I have loved you will all my heart, but you have not been with me for so many years.  When we first met we held hands and walked side by side.  Then you started walking behind me. You stopped being next to me so long ago I don't remember when it happened.   You always want me over you or under you but never next to you.  In bed when you want to cuddle, you put me under your arm.  We don't hug face to face.  I always have to contort my body to be under your arm even though I am more than a foot taller.  Is my breath that bad?  Do my pits stink so much that you can't cuddle up WITH me instead of over me?

Whenever anything goes wrong you lash out at me.  Not as much anymore, but it still happens frequently enough to hurt.  For 14 years I have supported and loved you and you never believed it.  You tell your friends how wonderful I am, but so rarely tell me.  No matter how much I have begged for it.

Everything has to be your way, but if I don't make decisions you chastise me for being passive.  No matter that you undermine or negate almost every decision I make. Nothing is ever good enough.  I don't drive fast enough or slow enough.  I either talk to much or not enough.  I have no privacy because even when I'm by myself I am only waiting for your phone call to interrupt my work or meditation or play time.

You rarely take the time to consider my feelings, and when you do you feel you have to walk on eggshells because you really have no clue how I feel about anything.  I know that's my fault because I'm always hiding my feelings for fear they will hurt you.

You want me around the house like a puppy dog.  As long as I don't get in the way.  You say I can go and do what I want, but then it's always "when are you coming home, where are you going, etc"  I can't even get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night without a 'where are you going?"

Your insecurities have worn me out.  Your fear of abandonment has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You've ignored me and put me second for so long.  I am almost never more important than the next ringing phone.  IN the car I am a chauffeur.  We don't talk.  I drive and you make phone calls.   You are never actually PRESENT when you are with me.  But you always want me around.  As I said.. like a puppy.   But at least a puppy would get a belly-rub from you every day.  Me... not so much.

If I don't reach out my hand, then we don't hold hands.  If I don't come to you, we aren't together.  In bed, I have to wrap around you.  You don't touch me, I touch you.  Maybe not ALWAYS true, but more times than not.

There is nothing left in the emotional bank account.  I'm spent.  Now that I am finally standing up for myself and trying to heal, you say I don't love you.  You have no fucking idea how much I love you.

You keep talking about me finding someone else. This just proves you don't know anything about me. I committed my life to you but you committed your life to the idea of "marriage".  You are more upset about losing the marriage then you are about losing me as a person.  Because you have no clue who I am as a person.  You have no recognition of what i've given to you of myself.

You have broken my heart so many times, I don't know if it can heal.  I do know that I need to be away from you if I ever want it to heal.