hewhopleasures's Blog

This whole being a Shaman thing has opened me up to a lot of things I don't understand: feeling energy from rock and trees and snails, realizing my understanding of people goes deeper than intuition, and seeing my place in the world in a whole new light.  So a few weeks ago I was in a psychic bookshop and feeling all the vibrations and energies.  I was looking for a book on Shamanisn so I could maybe learn something. I decided to trust that I would be guided to the book I needed.  So I opened myself up and walked around.  I didn't read any titles, I just let my eyes scan the shelves and opened my palms and chest to feel the energies.  I felt a strong connection and zoomed in on a book called "Sit Down and Shut Up".  It's about Buddhism as told by a punk rocker. 

I've only been aware of Zen or Buddhism or whatever from a strictly pop culture vantage point.  Little coy ponds or sitting in the lotus position and asking the hot dog vendor to make you one with everything.   OH! And those cute little waterfall things you find at the mall next to the little sandbox with the tiny rake.  But what the hell. If the Universe or whatever is telling me that this is the book I should be reading, why not.

So I'm reading the first chapter which describes the basic tenets and philosophies and realized that pretty much everything Buddhism is about is what I've been thinking/feeling/teaching my whole life.  I thought I was just weird, and it turns out I'm just Buddhist (and my friend says DUH!). Though frankly, I hate to put a label on it.  I'm sure there will be plenty of things I don't connect with as I delve deeper so I'll have to call myself a Zin Baddhist or some crap like that.  Whatever, I yam what I yam.

Anyway, it's really helping me to come to terms with the concept of life being a journey and not a destination.  I've always been about the destination - it's only logical, after all - but it never rang TRUE.  The idea of just BEing has always been a tough one, but now that I have some perspective on it, it makes total sense.  It was my resistance to my inner knowing of this necessity that has been creating all the screwedupedness in my life.

But like all things of beauty, there is the other side of the coin.  I don't know what Buddhists call it, so I'll steal a term from Abraham-Hicks: co-creating.  We all create our lives and when we create a situation that involves another person, that person is creating their own life at the same time.  Any interaction with another person is a result of CO-creating.  You manifested that person in your life and they manifested you at the same time.  If you are reading this blog that is a co-creation.  I wrote it - my manifestation - and you are reading and experiencing it - your manifestation. 

So what happens in the beautiful self-created world when we connect with someone?  Friend, Lover, Soul Mate, One-night-stand, whatever.  Now it gets a little complicated in the co-creation department. We're all turning to dust and whether you believe we go to heaven, or get reincarnated, or just decompose and that's that, we ALL agree that this physical chapter in our lives will end sometime before we've spent 120 years on this planet.  So, those of us who can let go of the illusion that we actually matter - or those whose passion or ego are so strong they are determined to make things happen - try to live life in the now to the fullest because we're gonna die soon and nothing really matters in our physical world. 

This is a hugely freeing concept. 

We make all these huge dramas out of nothing because we are tied to the physical.  A loved-one gets sick and we get all whacked out.  Or that check didn't come in and we're worried about the rent and the bills.  That jackass cut us off in traffic and we lose our minds.  But here's the thing: one day that friend will die; one day we will die and won't have to worry about rent and bills; and that jackass that cut us off really DIDN'T take anything away from us.

Once you grasp this concept you realize all the shit that happens in our lives is OK.  It's not the end of the world and even if it is - well, our world (our physical life) is ending anyway.  Que sera sera.

So back to the co-creating thing.  What happens when you decide the manifestation you want is to co-create with another person?  You want to become lovers or get married or move in together or just spend a shitload more time with each other because being with that person feels so damn good it blows your mind and consumes your every waking thought.  And yippeee, wahoooo, that person feels the same.  Now is when the shit really hits the fan.  Coordinating two lives that were once separate into one life.  OY friggin VEY!  Aside from the physical trappings like who moves in with whom, what crap do you have to sell/toss/giveaway because there's not enough room in the one space, where does the pet iguana sleep, etc etc etc, there's the emotional side.  The commitment.  The FEAR of if/when will (s)he leave me.

Instead of going on a rant about the philosophy of living in the now right here, I want to put this into perspective in our physical world. There is (arguably) a 50% divorce rate.  People get married, they learn to hate each other, and they split.  All our biggest fears from childhood come true. Abandonment, non-worthiness, we're gonna die alone, OH MY GOD IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD.  Oh, the drama.  But what REALLY happens?  We split, we cry, we heal, we find someone else.  Or become bitter and lonely.  Whatever, either way it's a CHOICE. 

So here's my question: If it is better to have loved and lost, then why do we fight so hard against it when we finally find someone to love?  We hesitate and think about it and worry about our stuff and our lives. All this wasted time when we could be spending that time loving each other. All this drama of jealousy and possessiveness and wanting what the other guy has (not realizing that the other guy has shit and we only see what he chooses to let us see). Even if it is only for one night or one month or one year, wouldn't it be great to commit 150% percent of your entire being to that one unit of time instead of missing out on the experience altogether? Or dancing around it and getting only a teasing glimpse of what it might be?

So back to the 'tis what 'tis idea.  You connect with someone and you want to spend time with that person.  But they aren't ready. They are scared.  They think you might not be fully into them or whatever. You want to scream at them that life is short and they are denying themselves a whole lot of intense love and passion and losing out because time is running out.  But the flip side is that 'tis what 'tis.  If the person isn't ready, that's OK.  It's only your own fear of time running out so stop pushing someone else into doing something that isn't right for them right now.   But it hurts. But it's OK. But it hurts. But it's OK.

Now I know why that yin yang symbol is a circle. It's not just about balance, it's because all of life's questions run around in a never-ending loop.  Why? Because there are no answers. There is no right and wrong. There is only what is. And we are stuck in our egos fighting that losing battle to make sense of it all.

Everything is new and I don't know anything.  And that's a beautiful thing.

LIFE IS A HIGHWAY
Rascal Flatts

Life's like a road that you travel on
When there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside ev'ry darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won't hesitate
To break down the garden gate
There's not much time left today

[Chorus:]
Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

Through all these cities and all these towns
It's in my blood and it's all around
I love you now like I loved you then
This is the road and these are the hands
From Mozambique to those Memphis nights
The Khyber Pass to Vancouver's lights

Knock me down get back up again
You're in my blood
I'm not a lonely man
There's no load I can't hold
Road so rough this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors

[Chorus]

Gimme gimme gimme gimme yeah

[Chorus]

There was a distance between you and I (between you and I)
A misunderstanding once
But now we look it in the eye 
 

The voice in my gut tells me many amazing things.  It tells me whether someone is yelling at me because they are in pain or simply because they're an asshole.  It tells me when I'm safe and when to pay more attention to my surroundings.

My ego thinks this voice is me.  My superior intelligence, my deductive reasoning, my life experience.  Yet there are many times the voice tells me or shows me things I have know way of knowing.  Sometimes when this happens the voice is so loud I cannot question it's veracity, I simply act on what it tells me.

Most of the time, though, the voice is soft and fleeting.  Exactly the same as the thoughts that fly through my brain thousands (or millions) of times every day.  As I get more in tune with my "authentic" self, my Shaman self, my Buddhist self - whatever label works for you, cuz I really don't know what any of that means - the voice is more prevalent.  I seem to understand things even better now.  I feel closer to living beings such as trees, plants and bugs.

But still I can't always here the voice.  Or I think I hear it but I can't tell if it's my ego voice - the voice of reason, education, experience, logic - or this "inner" voice, the Universe, my Guide(s?).  This holds true whether I have a life-changing question or a mundane task. 

There have been times at the poker table I should have folded but I KNEW my card would come at the River and it did.  But there have also been times when I KNEW it would come and it didn't.  So... is the voice fucking with me?  Am I misunderstanding it?  The voice tells me to trust it, and then I lose all my money.  Is it trying to teach me a lesson when I'm just trying to win?  Is winning a bad thing in the spiritual world?  How much of these "misunderstandings" are because of my ego and how many because I just haven't learned properly yet?

I try to let go.  There is no spoon.  There is no "me".  How do we balance our physical and spirit selves in this earthly domain?

No need to answer.  It would all just be theory based on your own reality, right?  My reality is mine.  Or rather it just is, since there is no "mine".  It's a tough concept to grasp.  But I believe in magic, and I believe I will learn how to listen to the voices and understand with practice.

I just have to let go of all these questions and just be.

Yikes.

I went for a long walk today.  Got a library card and some books on poker.  Then walked to Trader Joe's to get my Green drink (and BOY did my body thank me - we batchelors need to be reminded that boxed mac&cheese doesn't quite cover all the food groups).  Just over 2 miles.  A nice warm SoCal evening, perfect for walking and reflecting.

So after my spew yesterday (and thank you all again for the tremendous support!) I asked myself a more important question:

Why was I in that relationship, and what changed?

In my current spiritual journey I am often reminded that people come in and out of our lives for a reason.  We tend to think marriages will last for ever, and the dissolution is amazingly painful because we try to hold on to this person even after the reason they came into our lives is no longer relevant.

So when I asked myself why I was in the relationship with this particular woman, I thought of something I used to say to her quite often:  "Thank you for letting me love you."

I've been writing poems my whole life.  There is on in particular called So Much Love.  It's not very good as poems go, but the gist of it is that I've got a shitload of love to give and nobody seems to want it.  I offer it up, and people shove it back in my face.  This led to a whole lot of "What's wrong with me" complexes, the answer to which is, of course, "nothing at all".

I'm a fairly powerful force when I'm not wallowing in a depressive state (a state I was in most of my life before a few years ago), and when I love, it is a no-holds-barred-in-your-face-stand-up-to-it-or-run kind of thing.

Well, my wife stood up to it.   For those who read my marriage proposal  and are all oohing and aaahing, here's a flash of pre-HWP chutzpah for you that ain't quite romantic:

We met doing a show in NYC. The first night we were backstage getting ready and I couldn't keep away from her (oooh.... aaaahhhh).  I sat next to her and just stared while she did her hair and makeup.  Picture a very annoying puppy.  We made some small talk but I just kept staring. Close.  Finally she asked why I was doing that and I said: "God, I want to fuck your brains out!"

Hey! Where'd all my ooooh and aaaahs go??  Yup. No lie.  That's what I said to this woman I just met an hour or so before.  Well most women would have slapped me. Some would have walked away in a huff.  I imagine some might have just taken me up on the offer.  But THIS women simply stopped what she was doing, turned to look me in the eye and asked very calmly, "Why would you say that to someone you just met?"

Frankly I was a bit shocked it came out of my mouth also.  I had NEVER spoken to a women like that before in my life.  I was trapped, cornered, deer in the headlights and all I could say was, "Because it's the truth."

She is not a conventionally beautiful woman, but she cut right through me.  No bullshit, no games, no false modesty or propriety.  Just sheer honesty. 

I didn't even realize at that moment, but I had already fallen and fallen hard.  And we were inseparable from that point on.  At the curtain call I would take her hand even though we were not blocked to do the hand holding thing.  I wasn't even aware I was doing it.

Cut to two weeks later and (read the story in I PROPOSED if you haven't already - then you can get back to the ooooohs and aaaaahs.)

What's the point of all this blathering?  She let me love her.  She took the full unbridled force of my love and accepted it.  And seriously, I had NO control over it whatsoever so when I say unbridled, I ain't kidding.  I swept her off her feet in a fucking cyclone.  And she let me. 

And I LOVED loving her.  She was never very demonstrative and I didn't care.  It was the old movie cliche "I can love you enough for both of us."  Don't get me wrong, she loved me.  She still loves me.  With all the force that is in her.  But she can't show it IN THE WAY I NEED IT.  I want to be clear about that, because she did show it.  All the time.  I NEVER doubted her love for me.

So here's where we get to the "What Changed" portion of our program. 

For years it was enough that I could love her.  As I said before, I used to tell her all the time, "Thank you for letting me love you."  Somewhere along the line - about the time we started reading Louise Hay, The Secret, and Abraham-Hicks - I started seeing myself for the strong individual I am.  And I realized that I Deserve More (sorry, babe, it ain't copyrighted, hehehe).

What changed is that eventually I realized I needed someone who could love me with the same unbridled force that I love them.  I know I'm not ready for that kind of love yet. I still have a lot more healing to do, and a lot more exploring of the new me - the REAL me - who wants to share part of that love with so many people, but it's a damn good start.

I'm trying to figure out why my (ex?)wife's happiness is annoying me.  When she calls me she is upbeat.  "Hey... how you doin?"  In the past 3 or 4 years of our marriage she couldn't muster that much enthusiasm around me.  Is she happy?  I doubt it.  But at least she's not wallowing anymore, and for that I am very happy for her.  It does piss me off though, that I had to put up with years of wallowing, years of being all but ignored, and it took my leaving to get her to put some positive energy back in her life. 

As I write this, and feelings start flooding in, I can't help but be hurt that my love - while I was there -  wasn't enough to save her.  In the end, my love did save her.  I loved her enough to leave.  I KNEW she would be better off without me.  How can anyone thrive when they are married to prince charming?  I did everything for her.  I gave her my heart and soul and life.  I sacrificed my self at the alter of our love.  And it smothered her.  I tried to put space between us, because I knew I was smothering too.  I kept telling her we can't keep doing EVERYTHING together.  That as smart as I am, I cannot be her business consultant, partner, husband, best friend, secretary, janitor, computer expert, web designer, guy Friday, etc., etc., etc.   I can't do it all, and it isn't healthy for either of us.  She knew this, but she couldn't let go.  She kept pulling me in.  She tried.  She knew it was wrong, so she tried to give us distance.  But she couldn't.  And I wasn't strong enough to stay there and maintain boundaries.  I had to leave.  (Yeah, the lack of sex was a HUGE deal, but it wasn't the only issue.)

I used to ask her to sometimes just fucking ACT like she was having a good time around me.  She'd get on the phone with a friend and put on her smile and joke and laugh.  I'd tell her I wanted her to be that way with ME sometimes.  Even if it's fake.  Not all the time.  I never wanted a Stepford Wife.  But once or twice a month didn't seem too much to ask.

Now she calls me, and she's all LA LA LA life is good.  I know it's mostly fake.  Mostly. She's actually doing very well without me.  I knew she would.  But my ego hurts.  It hurts big time. 

My friends say I have to let go.  I'm trying.  I really am.  But we had the fairy tale love.  Not the castle and the bullshit.  The love.  The deep, nothing can take us apart love.  Even 14 years in, when it wasn't so great anymore, the love was still dripping off us.  People would see us and think we were newlyweds.

I know I have to let it go.  The love wasn't enough and the rest was poison.  But oh fuck it hurts.  And I have to let it out.  I have to let it hurt or I'll never let it go.  I can't bury it, though fuck knows I want to.  I hate this fucking pain.  I hate that I'm smart enough to know that leaving was the right thing but I still can't stop the pain.  I hate that I've made great friends who love me unconditionally and support me wonderfully and that isn't enough to make the hurt stop.  I really fucking hate it.

Today I "CASHED" in my first poker tournament.  Only the top 50 (of 3000 entrants) get paid, and I finished 37th!

This is very signifigant for several reasons:

1. This is about my 30th tourney and it's about fucking time!
2. It's Saturday night which means all the idiots are out making donkey bets and throwing the game "as it SHOULD be played" into a tailspin - it is VERY easy for the best players to get beat in this situation.
3. It was a FREEROLL tourney. Which means all CHEAP-ASS donkeys are out in force (combined with #2 this makes it REALLY hard to play by the book)
4. The best I've done is several times finishing in the 80-90 spot. It was looking like a wall I couldn't climb.  But I did!

In addition, not only did I 'cash', but I made it to second level.  That means that 39-50 win the minimum prize, but 28-37 win the next level up.  So I didn't just squeak by, I finished solid.

In addition #2, is that I played a tourney earlier today and got my ass kicked.  Usually this will throw me off my game (tilt) and I'll play the next one half-assed.  But this time I played focused, made good decisions, was aggressive in the right places and conservative in the right places.  The mistakes I made were small, and the things I did right paid big.

I am really proud.

Friends - real friends - are people you can trust.  You can trust them with your emotions, and secrets, and mood swings, and stupidity, and insecurities, and triumphs.  You begin to rely on that.  You build expectations that there is at least one person in your life with whom you can share everything and anything.

We all have friends we share certain things with, but we steer clear of certain topics: Maybe religion or politics or addictions we have that they just can't understand... whatever.

But there's always this one friend you can tell anything to.  Until you find that one subject that hits a nerve.  And then the door closes.   You can't talk about that part of your life, because this friend is no longer objectively listening to you and sympathizing or empathizing in a pure way.  Maybe they try, and maybe the advice, guidance and support they give is technically not changed, but there is that negative energy charge in the tone.  So even though the friend may still indeed be giving the same advice they would have despite this emotional "charge", it feels different because now you have doubts.  It MAY be the same, but it may not.  So you don't hear it the same, regardless.

Everyone has the right to their own feelings. It probably wouldn't be too hard to find another friend with whom you can discuss this one topic and get a fresh viewpoint. Except the old friend knows the back story.  You don't have to explain everything and answer a bunch of questions, you can just tell them what happened last night and that's that. 

Friendships take time. Trust takes time.  The issues we need our friends for are happening NOW. But you choose not to discuss it.  You try to figure it out yourself.  Maybe in the long run that is a good thing. Maybe that is how it should be, and really the only way to find the answers.

My wedding ring got bent pretty badly tonight. It has been on my finger for over 14 years.  I seperated from my wife recently and even though it was my own doing I am freaking out.  I consciously have not taken it off.  I have let go, but I haven't.  I love her so much still, but I know I made the right choice.  I have been pretending to forget about the ring.  I imagine being with some just-for-the-night woman and her questioning me about it.  "Oh my god.  I forgot.  Don't worry, we're seperated."  Then I would cavalierly take it off and hope she didn't think I was some married asshole.  But I guess that's all I am, really. 

What really upsets me, though, is how much it doesn't upset me.  It is the symbolism of it that I am holding on to and not the actual emotion?  I know in my heart that it's over, but it's so hard to let go.  Is this conditioning from the media and religious upbringing?

There is a story behind the ring that I guess bears telling.  (or is it BARES telling?  I'm never quite sure).  We found our rings in a small shop in NYC.  I don't know if they are one-of-a-kind, but I've never seen anything like them.  Yellow gold bands that are scored on the top side, so it looks like they are almost white gold, the way the light hits them.  It always scratched my fingers.

Well... one day I was on a film shoot. My character was definitely no married, so I put the ring in my pocket. This was the only time I had EVER taken it off.  When I got home, the ring was gone.  I went back to the location to look for it, but it was in the middle of the woods and the ring was gone.

We went through hell trying to replace it.  We couldn't find the same ring in any store, so we went to a jewelry wholesale "center" in downtown LA (where we were then living) and found a booth where they said they could recreate the ring from my wife's matching ring.  Well... what the asswipes did, was put my wife's ring in a machine and had the machine "copy" it.  The machine actually melted the edges of the ring and smoothed out the scores that made it look so good.  So they not only fucked up my wife's ring, but then copied the fucked up version of it.  On top of that, they make it EXACTLY like the melted version of her ring.  The male ring is generally much thicker and they gave me this skinny-ass cheap gold (I'm guessing 8K instead of the original 24K) thing that bends all the time.

Whatever, the rings once again matched and since then I have NEVER taken it off.  Not for an acting role, not for the shower, not for anything.  And now it sits on my finger even though my marriage is over.  No, we haven't gotten divorced, and I don't know if we will do that formality or not.

As I am writing this, I feel better.  I no longer feel bad for myself for taking it off.  HOWEVER, I am still friends with my wife.  We still have many practical things that bring us together, and sometimes we have even just "hung out" or gone to the movies together.  I always notice that she still wears her ring.

One of the things I have always complained about my wife is that she doesn't notice things.  I wonder if she would even notice that I'm no longer wearing it?  I wonder if she DID notice, how much it would hurt her. (remember it was MY choice to leave.  she still wants us together).  I have hurt her so much by leaving.  She is doing OK (as I knew she would) and I KNOW I am doing her a disservice by even THINKING this way, but I can't help it.  I don't want to hurt her more.

I guess I really don't need advice on this one.  I guess I just needed to write it out.  I know I can safely take off my ring.  I know it may or may not hurt her when and if she notices, and if it does, she will recover reasonably quickly.  And still... it is the final symbolic act of the end of my marriage.  14 years with a woman I have loved with my soul and still do.

Is it ok if I keep in on a little bit longer?  I think I will.

Last night, at my own masochistic request, a couple of friends of mine ganged up on me and reminded me of a two-step process I had long forgotten about.

• Step 1: Taking action without prejudging it
• Step 2: Contemplating the emotional responses of my own emotional REactions after doing Step 1.

The other advice I was given last night was to take these actions toward something outside my comfort zone.

Since the advent of on-line poker, I have fantasized about doing it professionally.  I'm a good player, certainly better than anyone I've played at my dining room table.  Not so much when facing strangers either at the casino or on-line.  With the exception of recurring beginner's luck.

How does beginner's luck recur?, you might ask.  Aren't you only a beginner once?  Well, here's the thing.  I would start playing and do really well.  Almost instantly I would at least double my money.  Then my ego would kick in.  I would start thinking I was better than the rest of these yahoos at my table.  And in no time at all, I would be all-in and left with nothing.

Then I would get discouraged.  I wouldn't play anymore.  Sometimes for weeks or months. Sometimes for years.  After each sabbatical, I would start fresh, like a beginner.  I would go in and kick ass then blow it.

Usually we're talking about winning $40 or $50 to add to my $20 or $40 buy-in, then losing it.  One time, on-line, I won over $800 in two days.  I spent several weeks trying to build on that, and eventual the pattern repeated and I lost it all.  So much for my professional poker career.

That episode was 3 or 4 years ago.  Since my separation, I have wanted to try again.  This time I decided to be smart about it.  I joined a few sites WITHOUT putting any money in.  The plan was to focus on Freeroll tournaments whose prizes were either cash or seats at a real-money table.

Even here, the pattern repeated itself.  My second tournament resulted in a cash prize and I started playing real-money tables (The prize was a whole $2.00 and the real-money table stakes were $.02/$.04 - yes that is 2 and 4 CENTS, thank you)

Again, I did well.  I built my $2 prize up to $8.00.  And then my ego kicked in and I lost it.  No worries, I've learned from my mistakes this time.  I'm older and wiser and smarter.  I'll just win another freeroll tourney and build from there.  Except now, I would continually get into the top 200 or so out of 3500 players, and then self-destruct.  Same pattern: start off strong, convince myself I'm indestructible, then blow it.

Then I thought... hmmmmm.... maybe it's because it's FREE MONEY.  I'm not taking it seriously enough.  If I play with real money, I'll have a real vested interest, I'll take it more seriously, and my greed will kick in instead of my ego.  So I laid down $20.  (Hey, come on, I'm broke... that's a lot of money right now.) 

I played this $20 for weeks.  I'd lose a few bucks and build it back up to $20 or $25.  Lose and build.  Got as low as $4, and still built it back up to $20something.  I couldn't seem to get OVER $25, but at least my playing had improved to the point of not self-destructing and I could always get back to even. 

Then this past week I hit an emotional wall having nothing to do with poker.  All the growth and freedom I've been experiencing since moving out on my own suddenly became overwhelming.  I shut off.  Except for sporadic stints on EP, and personal engagements I couldn't escape from, I stayed in my room and didn't talk to anybody.  And I lost my $20 on-line.

This is why I staged my own intervention last night and allowed my friends to have at me.  They are both very insightful and aren't afraid to kick my ass... hard.  The double-team effort exhausted me, but gave me much to think about.

Frankly, my intention was to put it on the back burner and think about it next week, but I woke up today feeling a lot lighter and braver.  I decided to follow Step 1. 

I took all the judgment out of being a professional poker player.  I ignored what people have told me about how dumb I was to think I could do it. (actually no one used those words, but you know the looks and tones of voice you get when you want to do things others don't understand?  They "warn" you, or shake their head and don't say anything, or ask "are you sure?" and it makes you feel like shit.) So without judgment, I signed up for my Freeroll tournament and played with calm, with a goal, and without ego.  I simply played the game the way I knew would allow me to win it.

And then I misjudged a player and thought he was bluffing when he wasn't, and lost half my stack.  No worries, the new me recognizes the mistake and doesn't get a bruised ego.  I re-doubled my stack in less than five minutes WITHOUT crazy bets and bluffs.  I simply played the fundamentals and got the job done.

And then the switch got thrown.  My ego didn't kick in... I wasn't thinking I was better than anyone.  I respected all the players at my table.  We all had over $20,000 in chips and had passed the first break, so you know these guys are for real, even if it is a fake-money table.  There were less than 200 players left and there was still plenty of game left.  But I started second-guessing my moves.  I check-raised on a hand I knew was easily beatable.  I thought I would scare the guy out, but he re-raised me and I couldn't stop myself from calling.  We both had 2 pair with Aces, but his 10s beat my 3s - as any idiot could have guessed from a mile away.  At this point the blinds were $1000 and I had less than $5000 in chips.  I waited until I actually had something worthwhile to bet on, but with $1000 blinds I only had 2 or 3 more chances at most to double up, and the cards weren't there.  I fell out at #187.

The big difference this time in my reaction is that I didn't beat myself up about it, and I certainly didn't jump right back in to the next tourney.  I sat down and closed my eyes and breathed.  I took a moment to acknowledge the ACTIONS that led to my demise, but then let that go and remembered Step 2.  Contemplate the emotional REactions.

In contemplating I realized that once I was in the top 200, my entire emotional response system changed.  Mr. Calm Fundamentals was gone and I was in a mild state of panic.  Suddenly my entire life flashed before me.  Well, not the entire thing, just the parts where this same thing has happened again and again.  Success is in my grasp and I panic.  I shut down.  I turn off.  I let it slip through my grasp. (too dramatic? sorry...) This has happened in school, at work, at play, in relationships.  I consistently take actions to sabotage my success.

It's not that this is really news to me. I had this revelation before many times. But it is different somehow this time. I'm recognizing it as an emotional reaction and not just the result of something stupid I did.

I'm not sure how to stop it from happening again, but since the first step to solving a problem is identifying it, I think I'm on the right track.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm no longer afraid of my own success, but definitely a little LESS afraid.

"I tell them there's no problems, only solutions." John Lennon

This is how I live my life.  So many people focus only on the problems.  I (finally) understand the need to acknowledge or identify the problem first, but then I think it's time to get to the solution part.

So here's the problem: Someone I love so much it hurts will only focus on the problem.  She calls me for advice but with every solution I offer, she only sees more problems.  Many times these problems directly affect me and my life very much, so I have a vested interest.  But while I try to deal with it, she wallows in her state of panic and often does not even allow me to offer advice, much less follow it.

Solution: ?????

I've always been amazed at how little respect you have for me and my heart.  No matter how much I've shown you I love you, you've never really believed it.  The times when I've had complete emotional breakdowns I have been forced to pull myself together so I could EXPLAIN to you the depths of pain I am in because your initial reaction is always that I am doing something bad to you. All you see is that I am treating you bad, not that I'm fighting for my life. You turned your back on me years ago and I tried and tried and tried to break through your barriers.  I didn't take it personally the way you always took my bad times.  I simply loved you and loved you and loved you.  But again, it was never enough. Every time you ask how I'm feeling, you always make it about you.  The one recent time in the car when you actually just sat and listened, you had to ANNOUNCE how you didn't say anything, once again, making it all about you.

You probably think what I'm saying now is about you.  Well it isn't.  Not that you'll believe me, because you've never trusted me, never believed me.  But again, that never had anything to do with me either.  You simply believe the bullshit your mother and other people have taught you, that you are some kind of monster and not worthy of love.  I gave you 14 consecutive SURPRISE birthday parties.  You wanna know why I was always able to make it a surprise?  Because you never believed I would remember.  Again, not about me...  you simply believe no one will ever think highly of you or love you.

I do love you.  I am in love with you.  You are my heart.  I am completely empty without you. But who cares?  It's still not enough to make you see it and believe it.  You think I left because I don't love you.  You are wrong.  I left because I am lost in your misery to the point that I no longer exist. I am in so much fucking pain from being alone for so many years. 

I left because I need time to heal.  You broke my heart.  Then you broke it again.  And again. And again.  You left me alone years ago, but I tried to be strong for you.  I knew you needed me so I kept trying.  I became the little dog you wanted me to be.  Just lying there. That's all you wanted from me, was to BE THERE.  You no longer wanted to cuddle.  You no longer wanted to hold hands.  You certainly didn't want to kiss or fondle or touch in any way remotely intimate or sexual.  You didn't want to have conversations. You wanted me to sit there like a dog, so I did. 

I sat there as my life energy and my self-esteem slowly trickled away.  But we read these self help books along the way.  Louise Hay, The Secret, Abraham-Hicks.  It opened our eyes to the powers of the Universe that we could tap into. It opened our eyes to the power within each of us.  I opened MY eyes to see that I was more that a dog. More than a teddy bear.  More than a security blanket. 

And I'm sure as you read this, you still think it's about you.  You think I'm accusing you of wrong-doing.  You think I'm blaming you.  I wonder if you will ever understand that I'm not.  Am I angry at you?  Yes.  I'm angry because you don't see that I'm not blaming you.  And because you can't see that, you can't see me.   You have no idea who I am and you have never tried to find out.  As long I was playing whatever role you cast me in, you were happy with me.  But you never saw how unhappy I was.  You never saw my pain.  You talk about love and what it means, but you don't have a clue.  I have spent our lifetime together trying to see your viewpoint, whereas you stand behind your "I can only see life through my own eyes" shield, and use that as your excuse for not ever trying to see through mine.

You speak in absolutes.  There is no room for gray with you. Well, sorry, but I see gray.  I see your side, and her side, and his side, and yes, sometimes even my own side of things.  And while I see that as one of my best characteristics, you only see it as betrayal.  Because you insist on only seeing black and white, you have declared that we will never be together again. Maybe you are right about that.  At this point, I think you probably are.  But again, because you have such little respect for me - based on the fact that you refuse to try to see my viewpoint of things - you have unilaterally made this assertion under the guise of wisdom. 

You claim you were willing to try anything to keep us together, because marriage is oh so important.  But you weren't.  There were always limitations to how far you would go. You won't live in certain areas.  You won't live in certain types of places.  You certainly wouldn't consider living the way I am now.  So let's be clear:  you CHOSE to be alone.  I invited you to come with me and you refused.  Doesn't seem like you were willing to try anything.  So, really, who left whom? 

When I first said I was leaving, the first thing out of your mouth was that you wanted to keep the furniture and the DVDs.  OK, so now we know what part of the marriage was really important to you and just how far you were willing to go to save it.

I wonder if you have the capacity to see that my leaving is the ulitmate sacrifice for keeping our marriage together.  I think not, because you will only ever see things through your eyes.  I have often used the analogy of an airplane emergency in that you have to put on your own oxygen mask and make sure you are safe before trying to save anyone else.  Will you ever see how close I am to dying?  How this move is my oxygen mask?  How I have to save myself if there is ever any chance of saving our marriage?

You may wonder why I've never told you this before. Probably not, but I still have hope, so I'll just tell you. There are two reasons. The first is because it rings false.  It sounds like an attempt to soften the blow, to give hope where there may not be any.  The second reason is that if I told you I was only planning on leaving for six months to a year, one of two things would have happened. You either wouldn't believe it (see reason one) or you WOULD believe it, and instead of learning to live on your own in the present you would be living for the future.

Maybe I just need to rest quietly and regain my strength so I can be the husband you want me to be.  Maybe I'll never recover and just crawl in a hole and die.  Or maybe I just need to spend some time seeing the world through my own eyes, and not everyone elses.  I don't have answers and I'm not even sure it matters, because you probably think this song is about you.  Don't you?

EDIT NOTE:
I did actually send this email to her.  Here is her response:

Thank you for telling me how you feel. I needed and wanted to know that. And you're right its not about me. Please take care of yourself and feel better.

RE: Profile Photo

EPNeil says: 

Just letting you know, we received several complaints about your profile photo.  I've gone ahead and deleted it - please try to use something a little "safer"!

HeWhoPleasures says:  that's completely ridiculous. he was fully covered. we've been through this before and I made absolutely sure he was covered and it was signed off by EP.

I HEREBY SUBMIT AN OFFICIAL COMPLAINT AGAINST ANY AVATAR THAT SHOWS ANY SKIN WHATSOEVER, OR HINTS AT SENSUALITY, SEX, OR RELIGION. PLEASE HAVE ALL OF THEM DELETED IMMEDIATELY. THANK YOU.  

EPNeil says: 

Could you please let me know when and who signed off on this logo? 

HeWhoPleasures says:  It was a while ago. I think her name was Sue?

My original avatar simply had the word CENSORED over the genitals and you could (if you looked closely) see things. There were complaints (which I disagree with, but respected the community so I acquiesced.)

I place a red block behind the CENSORED, but Sue(?) said you could still see some pubic hair and that the entire genital area needed to be FULLY covered or I could expect more complaints. So I stopped trying to be humorous and rebellious and made the read area more than large enough to cover any potential offense.

This avatar has been up for months without issue. It is only now, after I've challenged some people's political views in story comments that complaints are coming in. This is a clear case of cowardly retaliation. NOT ONE PERSON, since I posted the new avatar, has mention to me that they feel it is offensive. As a matter of fact, I get many many compliments on it and have made many friends because of it.

I have seen avatars that are BLATANTLY phallic that have existed since I've been an EP member and they get no complaints. I have seen practically naked female avatars and no one seems to complain (to EP - there was much open discussion about this issue a while back, not this cowardly faceless "tell the authorities" thing).

I apologize if I'm beating this thing, but the fact that I have to have this conversation about a fully covered human body is so offensive to me. It is not a picture of graphic sex (not that there's anything wrong with that either). It is not showing a rape, or murder, or mutilation, or hate symbols or acts. It is a human body and it is fully covered to comply with society's uptight values.  

EPNeil says: 

We have not received any complaints about any of your comments.  Perhaps this is related, perhaps not.

In terms of the photos, we do see plenty of complaints over blatently sexual member and group logos, and we try to keep things in check.  You say they get no complaints - that is very far from the truth, we just don't make those complaints publicly viewable.  In any case, with the size of the community (and the size of our staff), a lot does escape our notice, so we depend on users to report any offensive material.  If you do see anything you'd consider offensive, please flag it.For your particular image, we looked at it here - while technically things were covered, you can't tell me that the intention of the photo was not to drive attention to certain parts of the photo, given the obvious way you positioned the censored block.  Perhaps you can try posting it again with some minor changes.    

HeWhoPleasures says:  I'm sorry Neil, but that's tantamount to saying a bathing suit is intended to drive attention to certain parts because of the isolated coverage. I self-censored the image MORE than the dots seen on television, more than the blurs seen in magazines, and much more than many other risque avatars on EP.

If you tell me EP policy states that complaints warrant deletion, fine. I respect that, and care too much about EP and what it stands for to jeopardize my membership. But please don't try to tell me the intention of my photo. Because the intention of it was not to draw attention to hidden body parts, but to draw attention to CENSORSHIP issues implemented by judgmental hypocrites.

Respectfully,
HWP  

EPNeil says: 

HWP,

I can see your point.  We don't condone censorship by any means, but it's a real gray area as to what people consider appropriate and what they consider inappropriate, and we try to do the best that we can.  I'm glad that you care so deeply about EP and have given thoughts to many of these issues.  Managing a community of this size is quite an undertaking, and at the end of the day, we rely heavily on feedback from active members like yourself to figure things out.

If you'd like, you can re-upload your image with some modification, and we can move on from there.

HeWhoPleasures says:  Agreed, and thank you.

I know it can't be easy for you guys, considering the diversity we have here and I appreciate (most of) the measures you've taken so everyone can feel comfortable.

********************************

Well... still waiting to see what "some modification" means.....

Well I'm not fully moved in yet, but at least I've got furniture and - obviously - a working computer.  Only four pieces of furniture can fit in this 10X10 room: Couch (to double as bed), Desk (with chair which I guess is technically a 5th piece of furniture, but don't bother me with details, thank you), a long thin table, and one 5-shelf bookcase.

There is a guy who is doing the same as me and living in this office space.  He denies it, saying he "occasionally" spends the night but doesn't "actually" live here.  Ya, right.  I've just set up this computer and it is now 8:45PM and he is here. Just like he has been every time - at any time - I've been here. 

I think this is a good thing in that I'm not completely isolated from human contact overnight, but bad because it might put a damper on my fantasy of bringing girls over.  (I don't think the walls are soundproofed, lol).  But we'll see... hehehe.

After moving the furniture this afternoon, in the 90 degree heat, I bought my friend lunch. It was the first time I've had one-on-one, face-to-face social contact with someone who wasn't a mutual friend of mine and my wife.  I love my EP friends, but actual live social contact was really special and welcome. 

After that, I went back to the house and crashed.  I haven't been exercising as of late, and combined with the emotional eating of the last several weeks adding 10 pounds around my waist, plus the heat... is it any wonder?  (and SHUT UP to anyone thinking it has anything to do with the fact that I'm 11 years older than the last time I had to move furniture.  I'm still young and spry... can't you tell by my avatar??)

I'm going back to the house tonight.  First of all, I have the car we share and she needs it to get to work in the morning, and second, I haven't brought any clothes.  It's a tiny room and I don't have a dresser or hanger yet.  I'm looking into storage boxes or portable wardrobes, but I need to generate some cash to be able to buy them.  I am manifesting it! I also need to work out the whole toiletry thing.  I don't have closets for personal items. 

No worries, I'll figure it all out.  Baby steps.  First big one taken.

    
Suite: Judy Blue Eyes
Written by Stephen Stills
Performed by Crosby, Stills & Nash

It's getting to the point
Where I'm no fun anymore
I am sorry
Sometimes it hurts so badly
I must cry out loud
I am lonely

I am yours, you are mine
You are what you are
And you make it hard

Remember what we've said and done and felt about each other
Oh babe, have mercy
Don't let the past remind us of what we are not now
I am not dreaming

I am yours, you are mine
You are what you are
And you make it hard

Tearing yourself away from me now
You are free and I am crying
This does not mean I don't love you
I do, that's forever, yes and for always

I am yours, you are mine
You are what you are
And you make it hard

Something inside is telling me that
I've got your secret. Are you still listening?
Fear is the lock, and laughter the key to your heart
And I love you

I am yours, you are mine
You are what you are
And you make it hard

Friday evening, Sunday in the afternoon
What have you got to lose?
Tuesday mornin', please be gone I'm tired of you.
What have you got to lose?

Can I tell it like it is?
Help me I'm sufferin'
Listen to me baby
Help me I'm dyin'
It's my heart that's a sufferin', it's a dyin'
That's what I have to lose

I've got an answer
I'm going to fly away
What have I got to lose?

Will you come see me
Thursdays and Saturdays?
What have you got to lose?

Chestnut brown canary
Ruby throated sparrow
Sing a song don't be long
Thrill me to the marrow

Voices of the angels ring around the moonlight
Asking me, said she so free
How can you catch the sparrow?

Lacy, lilting, lyric, losing love, lamenting
Change my life, make it right
Be my lady.

I have loved you will all my heart, but you have not been with me for so many years.  When we first met we held hands and walked side by side.  Then you started walking behind me. You stopped being next to me so long ago I don't remember when it happened.   You always want me over you or under you but never next to you.  In bed when you want to cuddle, you put me under your arm.  We don't hug face to face.  I always have to contort my body to be under your arm even though I am more than a foot taller.  Is my breath that bad?  Do my pits stink so much that you can't cuddle up WITH me instead of over me?

Whenever anything goes wrong you lash out at me.  Not as much anymore, but it still happens frequently enough to hurt.  For 14 years I have supported and loved you and you never believed it.  You tell your friends how wonderful I am, but so rarely tell me.  No matter how much I have begged for it.

Everything has to be your way, but if I don't make decisions you chastise me for being passive.  No matter that you undermine or negate almost every decision I make. Nothing is ever good enough.  I don't drive fast enough or slow enough.  I either talk to much or not enough.  I have no privacy because even when I'm by myself I am only waiting for your phone call to interrupt my work or meditation or play time.

You rarely take the time to consider my feelings, and when you do you feel you have to walk on eggshells because you really have no clue how I feel about anything.  I know that's my fault because I'm always hiding my feelings for fear they will hurt you.

You want me around the house like a puppy dog.  As long as I don't get in the way.  You say I can go and do what I want, but then it's always "when are you coming home, where are you going, etc"  I can't even get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night without a 'where are you going?"

Your insecurities have worn me out.  Your fear of abandonment has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You've ignored me and put me second for so long.  I am almost never more important than the next ringing phone.  IN the car I am a chauffeur.  We don't talk.  I drive and you make phone calls.   You are never actually PRESENT when you are with me.  But you always want me around.  As I said.. like a puppy.   But at least a puppy would get a belly-rub from you every day.  Me... not so much.

If I don't reach out my hand, then we don't hold hands.  If I don't come to you, we aren't together.  In bed, I have to wrap around you.  You don't touch me, I touch you.  Maybe not ALWAYS true, but more times than not.

There is nothing left in the emotional bank account.  I'm spent.  Now that I am finally standing up for myself and trying to heal, you say I don't love you.  You have no fucking idea how much I love you.

You keep talking about me finding someone else. This just proves you don't know anything about me. I committed my life to you but you committed your life to the idea of "marriage".  You are more upset about losing the marriage then you are about losing me as a person.  Because you have no clue who I am as a person.  You have no recognition of what i've given to you of myself.

You have broken my heart so many times, I don't know if it can heal.  I do know that I need to be away from you if I ever want it to heal. 

So I used this image for my avatar.  I put the word CENSORED on there and respectfully covered what society has deemed dirty.  Forget the fact that humans are the only animals stupid enough to think there is something wrong with being naked.  Forget the religions who blaspheme by covering up in shame the work that their own God created. Forget freedom of speech.  Forget freedom of expression.  And forget how beautiful we are.  Especially THIS guy. Shit, fuck, damn I would LOVE to look like him.  But I guess this blog post, like my avatar, will be deleted by EP.

Since I came to this site I have pounded my chest in respect for EP and the opportunity they have provided us for open community discussion and expression.  In return, they didn't even have the courtesy to ask me to take it down.  I did NOT get an email saying, "Excuse me, sir.  There are some who find your avatar offensive and would you please change it. For us. We wonderful EP people who believe in freedom of expression.  We respect your right to express yourself, but sadly there is a line and we respectfully request you play the game."

No.  No such respect.  They simply deleted it, and sent an email informing me about it after the fact.

I am ashamed of EP.  I am ashamed to be human if this type of censorship is considered acceptable.  I feel like deleting my account and telling EP to go fuck themselves. But I won't.

I will not be silenced.  I will not be shut down.   There is no graphic sex in this photo (not that there is anything wrong with that either).  There is nothing demeaning about it. There is nothing perverted about it.

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE NAKED BODY AND I RESPECTFULLY ASK THAT EP POST A PUBLIC APOLOGY AND REPLACE MY AVATAR.

************ Update for Marji and MisE **********